Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons, I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More, he, him, also
with me today is Amy More!
Yeah, she, her, and I'm going to be playing Sullivan Slyte, a lightfoot halfling.
I didn't look at my character sheet, so that was all from memory, guys, be proud of me.
You did it.
He, him.
Tom Laird.
He, him, and I am playing Moot, also he, him, and he is a wild magic half-orc sorcerer.
And Carla Maxden.
Yeah, that's me, she, her, playing Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin.
And joining us again on this flashback adventure from Madame Magenta and Mockery
Manor.
No, you're not from Mockery Manor.
From Madame Magenta.
Oh yeah, I am actually.
You are, you are.
For season three.
Yeah, the upcoming season.
Well, there we go, from Madame Magenta, Mockery Manor, and the new Magenta Presents,
it's Madame Magenta and Bernard.
Hello.
I'm playing Guerrera.
Yes.
I am a Kardashian.
Oh, I don't know.
What is this?
A Kendra, or something.
Yes, and a bard.
A Kenda, a Kenda bard.
And I am a Yeva, I'm going to assume he-him, although it's probably a bit of an assumption.
Let's go with that.
Well, no, if you are him, you can.
Oh, yes, all right.
So you're not assuming about yourself.
No, I'm not, am I?
Your choice.
I can make the choice.
He-they.
Right.
You know, Demi.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Let's go with that.
And he-they, they are a Goliath barbarian.
Love it.
Thank you so much again for being here.
We had a blast last time and are going to continue to have a blast on this adventure
that we are just looking for treasure, everybody, and maybe there's a sacrifice.
But we will-we'll get to that later.
Right?
Oh, no.
Sacrifice?
What?
Sacrifice.
No.
I mean, that goblin.
Could that be the sacrifice?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's-
Oh, right.
That's exactly what Guerrera and Yeva have ever-have talked about.
In terms of amongst themselves.
Great.
Of course.
Don't know what you're talking about.
Where we have characters that try not to sacrifice each other is over on Patreon.com
slash dumbdragoncast, where when you are a patron, you get an episode dedicated to
you like today's patron, Rab Black.
Thanks, Rab.
Thank you so much.
Rab Black.
Yeah.
What a name.
It's a good one, hey?
What a cool name.
Our patrons always have the best names.
They do.
Also, we're probably not going to die in this episode, so you're welcome.
I feel like I've been saying a lot in other episodes.
We might die in this one.
True.
Although, we're attempting to feign some waters.
Yeah, and Les did just say something kind of bad.
So no promises, Rab.
What?
No promises.
Yeah, no promises at all.
Thank you, Rab.
Regardless what happens, it's not your fault.
And we still love you.
And now, when you've joined us at Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast, we can continue
to play this game.
That's how I do it.
Fuck it, let's play.
Moot, you've just disappeared.
Yep.
Now I don't like this.
And gone down into a cavern below you, where you've seen that there is often to one direction,
looks like a landmass bridge that goes out into one area.
There's some places to climb across to get to this landing down at the bottom
where it presumes that the ladder that was broken would have otherwise made it.
And as you're looking around using your echolocation, you are able to, because you have echolocation
and you are a bat, you are able to see more of these monkey winged creatures all over
the walls of this space.
Okay.
Upon learning this fact, I'm going to fly back up to where all my friends are
and I'm going to like buzz pretty close to Sully's face, just because.
Oh God.
And then I unbat and my book is still lit up as, okay, so there's a ton of those monkey
things down there.
I don't know if we should like, well, if we go down there, we just need to be ready.
That's all.
Like a ton, like.
So they're on the walls.
What are they doing on the walls?
Like seven of them?
Crawling.
Right.
They're crawling.
Did it look like there was anything good down there or just, like is the treasure
there?
I didn't.
Was it just miles and miles of these things?
I mean, maybe not miles, but like it's a pretty big cavern.
I didn't see the treasure, but there was some like exits out of the cavern down there.
But yeah, just a bunch of the monkey things on the walls.
Well, if they're on the walls, we can just go through the middle, can't we?
Just don't go near the walls.
Can we go so like sneaky?
Do we think we can sneak our way through?
I think we could probably do it.
Let's do it.
It took a long time for us to defend ourselves against four.
But if there's loads of them, then that's going to take ages.
No, we just won't disturb any of them.
I mean, we could just close up this trap door and go back that other way.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, there was another way, wasn't there?
There was another way.
You know, if you don't face your flying monkey fears, you're just going to
keep coming across the same problems time and time again in your life.
That's true.
I mean, we might go down the other way.
Face the flying monkey fears and do it anyway.
That's what I say.
Yes.
If we remember the first note, we got the key that they mentioned about the ostrichuary.
And I take it these are the lower caverns?
So maybe we don't got to go there because the treasure is in the ostrichuary.
Where the hell is this ossuary?
Well the contraption is in the ostrichuary.
And we did find out what the contraption was.
I don't think we know where this ossuary is though, do we?
So we might as well go into the cavern, that's what I'm saying.
You're voting for the cavern.
Cavern.
Let's go into the cavern.
You know what, the client's always right.
I mean, you are, you're paying the bills.
How long's that drop?
Could we do a thing where I like hang at the bottom and then Yver like climbs down
me and he hangs from my feet and then everyone else can climb down or?
It's like that game called dangling monkeys.
That's funny isn't it?
Tumbling monkeys.
Have you ever played tumbling monkeys?
It's the same principle anyway.
It's like kaplunk but with monkeys.
It's a very monkey heavy episode this isn't it?
It is.
If I dangle off you, I will split you in half, for I am very large.
Okay well, no thank you.
I'll dangle off you, maybe.
It was probably about 40 feet, so it would take a few of us kind of doing that.
How tall is the giant, Yver, how tall do you want to be?
Is there any way of finding that out?
How tall?
Goliath are usually between 7 and 8 feet.
Oh I'm not enormous though.
No that's not very tall.
Just a sort of really large chap.
Yes.
Alright.
I don't know if you could call that a different species.
I mean I was thinking he was sort of you know 15-20 feet tall.
Oh yeah.
I've been sort of mentally ducking my head the whole time.
Retracted.
Yeah I thought you were walking through like a sandwich bowl through the whole
cave thing.
Yeah.
I'm 15 feet tall.
How many stretches?
Tippy toes?
Yeah.
15 and a half in heels.
Well that's not bad.
Maybe we can drop the rest of the way.
Well we could try.
But quietly.
15 and then I'm 6, 6 foot 5 plus arm length.
So that's like.
That's 21.
Arms.
Yeah you've got to take into account the arms.
That's true.
So that's almost 30 feet.
Oh we could do it.
And then you just drop the rest.
Quietly.
I'm sure I can handle a big drop because if I'm on the top.
Oh that's true.
You're like old now man.
What about your old bones?
Oh that's true.
Yes.
Can you drop?
Am I going to put my knee out?
You might.
Or a hip?
Oh God if you break my hip down here how do we get you out?
I don't know.
Yeah that's a problem.
I mean is there any sort of crash mats or gym equipment around that I could.
Who has Fed to Fall?
Moot you can cast a fucking spell.
Yes?
Yeah what do you got?
I mean I could if I had that one.
Oh.
Oh God.
Um.
Can you do anything dear?
With your you know have you got any magical.
I'm running out of show tunes there's only so much I can do.
Just float down on the little things strains of your or pipes or whatever it is.
Oh I've got an idea.
So I lure them out with the music yeah.
Oh.
Lure them into the room that we're in.
Yes.
Behind something.
And then when they're all in the room we quickly jump into the 40 foot drop.
Slam the hatch closed.
I'm not going to lie.
It's not the best idea.
40 feet will kill me.
Okay.
Well how acrobatic are we?
What if we tumbled?
I have plus four acrobatics.
I've got plus one I think that means I'm pretty acrobatic.
Should we have a go?
I'm a big lad but I am light on my feet.
Could we check out like the other route because I know the ghost put us down here
but like.
Do we trust him?
Never trust a ghost.
Do we have to fall like because I mean there were two hallways.
He's viscous.
So if we landed on him it would be like landing in a in a substance slow to stand.
But when he put his hand in the cushtard he are old.
Oh that's right.
Yeah that's true.
Yeah.
But that was more of like a trying to attack thing maybe not breaking a fall thing.
Oh you can go first.
You got shorter once now you're going to get older.
Well I mean let's not do anything hasty.
How about the ghost goes first then we drape a thing over him so you're landing
on a thin piece of fabric above a sort of custody surface.
Custody ghost.
Yes.
But the ghost is no longer around though is he?
He's all very well.
He kind of like touched his watch.
Oh yeah he had an appointment or something.
He was busy.
Yes.
We're no closer are we?
I love the enthusiasm for the monkey pit drop tumble but I don't want my friend
Sully to die.
I mean we have we have failed to reach a good plan.
There is.
Oh I know.
There's a ladder somewhere isn't there?
It's only a short ladder though.
But isn't there another ladder?
I don't know.
Maybe we can make a ladder.
There's a lot of crates around.
Oh true.
Yes.
Okay.
How big's the goblin?
Hold on a second.
How do we get the crates down there without upsetting the bat monkeys?
We do it very quietly.
Very quiet hammering and sawing.
How tall are goblins?
Like my height.
It's the goblin.
40 feet long.
How many goblins are there?
Oh you know intestines when they're unraveled, this is a fact, intestines when they're unraveled
are very long.
Yes.
So we can go and get the goblin intestine, tie it to the bottom of the ladder, go
down the intestine.
Well it's the best plan we've got.
It is.
Yep.
Honestly it's the best plan we've heard so far.
Are they so strong?
I mean hold on.
That one just made me remember that we likely all have packs and our packs have stuff in
it.
And rope.
Oh yeah we do.
Hold on.
I've got 50 feet of rope.
We can't remember it.
We do have rope.
I've got 50 feet of rope people.
I'm so sorry.
I thought we were talking about something else.
God's sake.
I've got the guts from the goblin, what do we do now?
They make very nice tripe.
Maybe just put it in your bag for later.
Okay.
Well you never know.
Goblin haggis.
Sorry you guys, I totally forgot I had rope.
Yeah we're so good at this game you guys.
This is basic Dungeoneer Explorer packs, there's nothing.
As you realize that you all contain a pack that has somewhere around 50 feet of rope
each, you hear a door close from back down the way you came and some quick footsteps
and a head poke around the corner and it's like, hey you guys, hey it's nice to see you.
I'm Hillip, nice to meet you.
I am the band manager here.
They left me back at the group.
Hillip, why are you here?
Because I felt like we were stalling for time and maybe we needed somebody to just
insert a little bit of insight.
There was another doorway if you are stuck in this room, I don't know about your current
situation, you're all holding a lot of rope and one big man holding a goblin pulling
his intestines out.
What we do on our spare time has nothing to do with you.
No that's fine, I just thought I'd come check on you because I missed you so very
much and I just had a burning sensation that somebody was talking about a great
business idea.
I don't trust this person.
Let's get down these intestines, you sweet.
I thought you'd never ask.
I will wrap the intestines around everyone.
Rope is for pathetic baby men.
We will use the intestines of our enemies, oh wait he's not our enemy.
Well he might have been.
What if I am a pathetic baby man?
Oh maybe we should allow them to say it.
No offense intended.
No that's fine but I'll just, maybe I'll use the rope.
You can use rope, there we go.
I don't want to go down first, I will, I don't want to go down first, I mean I don't
want to spend more time with Hylap but, he's up here, I'm going down there.
Did the visiting German man have a more sensible solution?
Is he strongly implying we should go?
I mean he mentioned the other door.
Just going back, going back the way we came from where there was another door.
It's almost as if he deeply didn't want us to go into the cabin, is that what I'm
sensing?
That is what I'm sensing.
Fine you can go anywhere you want, I'm just looking up the intestinal strengths, like
how much weight can be held by an intestine, which is a weird thing to Google.
They're very strong.
So much strong, well no you can use them, they are telling you that it is like 70
to 100 psi, roughly 140 pounds could hang from your esophagus.
I am 2,000 pounds.
Oh my god.
Where's the black hole, he's very dense.
I'm, I, I, I'm, like, but you gotta, they're just gross.
It's slippery, and squishy.
How about this, I'll take 10% off a fee if we can go through the other door and
not make me go down that hole.
Okay, all right then, I always like a bargain, although your fee is zero, but never mind,
anyway let's go, let's go, yes.
I will save the intestines for a future scenario.
We call her the goblin haggis.
Wrapping it around your hand, like sausage links.
Wrapping intestines, and proceeding back the other way, you-
Hillip, you can go home now.
Oh yeah, sure, I'll just wait outside.
We have no business ideas about Custard, so don't worry about that.
No one discussed anything about Custard.
Well it's great to see you guys, nice to meet you too, I'm gonna go-
A bit weird, you just coming in here and telling us things.
Sometimes, sometimes you just need a voice to pop in and say, hey, maybe don't die.
But, you know, go back out the door and I'll just wait, I'll just, I'll keep
the car running.
You just, you just take your time.
Got any snacks?
Oh yeah, snacks?
We've been in this dungeon for ages.
Sure, baguettes.
Uh, galore?
You want a baguette?
Yeah, I'll have a baguette.
There you go.
Very fresh, very fresh.
Nice and warm.
Thank you.
I've been keeping it in my pockets the whole time.
You know what we could do?
Baguette ladder.
Eh?
We're back on the ladder.
Baguette ladder.
Sully's, Sully's like hustling his little teeny tiny legs going like, what's that,
I can't hear you, I'm already almost over at the passageway.
No bad ideas.
Following Sully down the other passageway, grumbling about no bad ideas, you, you make
your way to the opening to another large chamber from which you can see there, it
does appear dimly lit by some sort of bioluminescent material along the walls and floor.
With your additional light from the book, you are able to see that there is a massive
religious altar built with bones, often to the left in this chamber.
Hanging up and in the center is a giant bone chandelier.
And often to your right there is a rather ornate door flanked by two pillars of bones.
From your position, near the door, you can see two strange monster corpses that are
impaled with spears.
Fun place.
Very bone themed.
When you die, do you want your body to like be an altar for like Bahamut or something?
Well, I mean, I've dedicated my living life to Bahamut, so I thought maybe after
I die, we could just like chill.
Sorry, who did you, did you, did you say the Bahamen?
Who, who, who, who, who, who, who have you dedicated your life to?
Who let the dogs out?
I'm so glad you asked.
Not the Bahamen.
Bahamut, I actually have some pamphlets here.
He's like this really cool guy.
He's super chill.
He wants to, you know, like if you follow him, you believe in truth and justice.
And we actually, the three of us, we have a destiny to save the world.
So this is probably, you have a small part in that destiny right now.
So you're saying you're more important than we are.
Is that what you're saying?
No, no.
Main character syndrome, main character syndrome.
Every, everyone is important to Bahamut.
Anyway, this ossuary is ostentatious, am I right?
Yeah, I do what you did there.
I understood that joke.
With the chandelier and everything.
It's a little too much.
It's a bit much.
Like when someone really likes cows and every single thing in the house is like a
cow theme.
Yeah.
Looking over the ostentatious ossuary, you kind of peek your head a little further
in.
And Sully, you were first up.
You see two sets of skeleton bones.
And again, similar garb to the ones previous.
Wow.
Like monkey robes?
No way.
Yeah.
Wow.
Monkish robes?
That's the word.
Yep.
I want to like pat through their pockets.
You know there's pockets in these things.
Pat through the pockets.
It has pockets.
You find two gold pieces.
Fuck yeah.
A globe, like a glass or some sort of spherical globe.
And another note.
A snow globe.
Welcome to, where are we?
Guys, I found some awesome stuff.
OK, so, oh, this one is, OK, this one says, I don't know what these
horrible creatures are, but they aren't night raiders.
Go alert the elders immediately.
I'll reset the trap.
Also, isn't this ball so cool?
It's so cool.
What happens if you shake it?
I want to shake it.
Yeah, you shake it.
It just starts to glow and floats,
tries to float out of your hand.
Oh, oh, no, I want it.
Now you're mine.
Get back here.
We follow it.
Maybe we follow it somewhere.
Oh.
OK, I'm going to let it go.
I got it.
We don't lose it.
I'm very attached to this thing now.
And Sully, let's, like, floats up
and kind of moves around the space around you all
and then centers itself in the middle of your group.
Oh, no.
Emanating light out.
I want to touch the ball.
Go ahead.
You can touch it.
I am fearless.
I will touch the ball.
You grab the ball, and you feel the same pull
as described to Sully.
Like, it's trying to get out of your hand.
It doesn't appear to do anything.
It's not hot to the touch.
It is rather smooth.
It is very smooth, but it appears
to be trying to pull itself away from your grasp.
OK, let's not stand in a circle and see what it does.
I exit the circle.
You exit the circle and then move yourselves
into a line, perhaps.
And it moves itself to the front of the group.
So it's just, like, a part of us now?
What's the front in a line?
Hang on, what's the front?
It moves itself more towards the ossuary.
The ossuary.
Are we not in the ossuary?
You're on the entrance of the ossuary.
Oh, right.
I see.
Should we go in?
Onward.
Yeah, let's get in there.
I sort of assumed we'd already gone in.
Me too.
That's all right.
You have to be very clear about these things,
don't we?
Can I check for a trap before we go in?
Just before.
Oh, they have explicitly told us there will be a trap.
And that it has been reset.
Numerous times.
The rest is just like, yeah, go in.
You yell that into the room?
No.
No?
I whispered that because I whispered that.
You whispered that.
Can I check the traps?
Sully cannot control the volume of his voice.
OK, yeah, sure.
Well, the bowl will make the trap go off.
Oh, that's true, because it's a ball.
That's true.
I just want to check it.
Oh, fuck off, fuck off.
It looks clear as you enter the room.
Guys, it's fine.
Totally fine.
I will blunder in loudly.
Really?
I was sure about this.
What happens if we die?
Yeever blunders in.
I am.
You know, when you get older, though, like, right?
What do you have left to lose?
Yeah, and just no patience.
It's got to go.
Yeever, make a dexterity saving throw.
I don't like the sound of that, but all right.
Dexterity saving throw.
Oh, oh, Magenta, as a bard,
you can give him inspiration, and he
can add dice to his roll.
Oh, this is true.
You got this, man.
My very presence inspires you.
That's right.
Always.
Where's inspiration?
But what about in the game?
Where the hell is it?
What are we doing?
Where's Inspire?
Called bardic inspiration.
It'll be actions and likely all the way at the bottom.
I'm panicking again.
Where is it?
No panic.
All good.
You're doing great, Magenta.
I will constantly use the term panic blindness from now on.
I know.
I felt that in my soul.
It's not under action, so it might be in spells.
It'll be under bonus actions.
Bardic inspiration.
What is it not in features and traits?
I know a woman called Barb who was very silver.
Anyway, sorry.
No, I can't think of an option.
So bardic inspiration, I will explain it to you.
You give a creature other than yourself, so in this case,
Yeever, who can hear you, they gain an inspiration die,
which for you is an extra 1d8.
And for 10 minutes, that creature
can add that d8 to an ability check attack
roll or saving throw.
This can be added after seeing the roll,
but before knowing if it succeeds.
Oh, I found it.
There you go.
All right.
Shall I just say you've got it?
Is that OK?
Do I have to do something?
You could do something if you want to.
Do whatever you want it to be.
You sing a song.
You could give words of inspiration.
A little tap on the ass.
So you got this.
So I do a performance dance, a performancey dance thing.
And a song from Hair, there we go.
And you're inspired.
The age of Aquarius, oh, I feel so inspired.
The age of Aquarius.
I will now roll a dexterity.
17.
I hope.
Loving.
Look at that.
So you do have the option to add a d8,
but 17 is quite a good roll.
So I'm going to say 17, you probably don't need to.
I will save that for a rainy day.
All right, you've got that for 10 minutes in game,
which is a long time.
Don't worry about it.
As you step blunder into the room,
your foot steps because you're
2,000 pounds and 15 feet tall.
That's right.
We did say that, didn't we?
That means you're very wide, I think.
You're incredibly wide.
Just very long.
Very tall.
Two spears from the opposite wall shoot out.
You narrowly miss them, and they impale themselves
on the wall behind you.
Everybody else standing pretty close behind you
are flanked by these spears, wide-eyed as they shoot out.
Wow.
Well, I'm going to say that that's the only trap
in the room, probably.
That was close.
I guess in hindsight, we could have realized
that those big, nasty creatures are stuck with spears,
so it doesn't matter.
Maybe we're all fine, right?
2020 hindsight.
Question, sorry, out of game question.
The big creatures that are stuck with spears,
are they on the same place that these spears blew
into, or a different part of the room?
They're down near the door with the two pillars
flanking it, so all right.
So in foresight, there might be another trap.
That's what I was thinking.
I think with my newly acquired insight, or whatever it is,
that Magenta, I mean, whatever her name is, has given me,
I am going to say that I will stand very still
and be very quiet while we do some other sort of investigation
into the room.
Can I stealthily check out the room, so stealthy?
Doesn't sound like Cookie Monster.
I was thinking the same thing.
I wasn't going to say it.
Yeah, Sully, you can go with stealthy.
I was going for a sort of Geralt-like gravitas,
but no Cookie Monster, fine.
I picked up on the Geralt, obviously.
Oh, god, fuck, fuck.
Thank you.
Yeah, but you've got a plus.
Yeah, 16.
It could have been so much better.
Yeah, yeah, it could have been.
But you managed to make your way into the room very
stealthily.
You're moving along the walls.
You do see that there are several holes in the wall,
the exact same as where the spears came out
on the other side.
They are riddled along both sides all the way to the door.
Can we stuff things in the holes, as it were?
What about those intestines?
Could we just to slow it down?
You all doubted me.
Although they're a bit squidgy.
I think sharp things could probably go through them.
OK, you were right to doubt me.
But there will be an occasion for those intestines,
I assure you.
I sneakily come back.
OK, so there's lots of holes,
and there was no trip wire.
So I think if we're just super quiet, we can probably.
Can we limbo as well?
How tall are the holes?
They go straight from ceiling to floor.
Ceiling to floor.
So listen, there's no limboing.
There's no way you could get past them
unless you were being very quiet.
Is that the implication?
Seems that way.
So it looks like a cheese grater in there.
That's how many holes there are.
There's loads of holes.
Just loads of holes, so many holes.
Their spear budget must be through the roof.
Well, yes.
Rez, do I know, like, do I recognize anything
about the altar or anything?
Like, you know, religiosity.
Sure, make a religion check.
Because of my religion.
Ah, yes, the cult of the Baha men.
17.
Doing a little bit of research on the voiceless order,
you recognize that their symbol,
which is the symbol of magenta,
what's the symbol of the voiceless order?
What?
Oh, it is.
Am I supposed to make this up?
I think so, yes.
I think it's the nature of the game.
So it's a symbol.
It looks a lot like Prince's name.
But with more squiggly.
The sort of squiggly, sort of ankh-looking thing
that Prince used.
Yes, the symbol of Prince.
Yes.
In fact, it is.
It's just Prince's name.
It's exactly that.
That's what it is.
I mean, it makes sense that a cult that would worship Prince
would have naked, bejeweled bodies beneath their robes.
And voiceless.
Because how can they compare to Prince?
Exactly, exactly.
And you know, purple fades to brown over time.
So those robes were originally purple.
Wow.
Actually, purple doesn't fade to brown, does it?
No, but that sounded very good.
So let's go with that.
With enough sun on it.
As a teacher who does lots of construction paperwork,
I know for a fact if you leave purple construction paper
in the sun, it will turn to brown.
Purple robes, purple robes, purple robes.
Sully turns to Yever and says, hey,
do you still have that whole goblin?
I mean, I pulled out his intestines,
but I've been carrying the rest of him.
You never know, like I said.
What if we trip him, right?
Like there's only one spear in each hole.
Oh, that's true.
They did say they have to like reload them.
So we lob a goblin.
Yeah, what if we throw that guy in there?
Or get rid of the ones on the lower bits,
then we limbo the rest.
That's a good idea.
So just push him in front of us.
But you know, sort of.
Like a goblin shield.
Oh, god.
I was just saying throw him, so like what if it
goes through the goblin and then into you?
Just lob him in.
Sort of bowl, maybe bowl him.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, because if you throw, that means we have to kind of
float through the room, doesn't it?
If you throw him and he sort of like his trajectory
takes him sort of half way up the wall.
That's true.
So slide him along the ground and then crawl.
Maybe something's going to make a lot of noise.
Could we not just shout really loudly into the room
and set them all off at once and then just walk in?
Well, let's try it.
Oh, yes, I forgot the sounds.
The sound activation thing.
How about we make the goblin, oh, oh.
But if we bowl the goblin, so we sort of make him
into a round thing and then we attach things to him
that clatter against the floor.
Loud noises.
So then bowling him is very loud.
Dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga.
Yes, like that.
That is the noise that he would make.
You do remember that there were dishes
in the root cellar as well.
Metal cans and dishes and wine bottles.
Yeah, of course.
We will use his intestines to bind the dishes
to his broken, lifeless body.
And yes, if we sort of knot him up
into a sort of pretzel shape.
Yes, like a rubber band ball.
Oh, we could take some rope and go around him
to keep all of his limbs in too.
A brilliant idea.
Getting cataracts.
Because otherwise he's going to grind to a halt.
We need a perfect sphere.
Yes.
All right, we work on this Arts and Crafts
project from hell.
For so long.
OK, so we cut ahead.
It's all right, I've done it before.
It doesn't take long.
The goblin is covered in dishware and bottles,
and it's all wrapped with intestines
and pits of wood and crates.
I assume Yeever is going to yeet this goblin
into the room.
He's very good at bowling.
Why do they...
They used to call me Yeetver at Barbarian Academy.
Academy, yeah.
All right.
What do I do with it?
No, you just say that you do it.
Oh, I just do it.
OK, right, yeah.
Yeah, in you go.
As you release the goblin,
there's like this record scratch,
and we zoom in on the goblin's face
who animates just for a moment and says,
you might wonder how I got here.
And then we have a fake vaccine,
flashback scene to seeing this goblin
sneaking in through some caves.
Being chased by all these screamer monkey creatures,
finding a way into the root cellar
and like huddling and cowering in fear.
Being eaten by those and then picked up
where he is now, and we're back in scene.
Perfect.
I mean, we'd all hope that our lifeless body
would be treated with such respect, really.
Yes.
A fitting burial.
Yes.
Rolling through the room, creating a calamity,
spears begin to shoot out of the walls
from both sides from different angles,
shooting down at this goblin
who's building in size and speed as he's going
because of how many spears are now.
He's suspended in the middle of them,
which is wild because he doesn't have
a lot of body mass left to him.
More pulverized, Swiss cheese,
could be a good descriptor,
and makes it down to the end when the final spear
hits into and the entire ball collapses
at the door on the far end.
Goblin haggis.
Well, no, we're not gonna eat him, are we?
Oh, no, no, no, we're not gonna do that.
You've still got the intestines.
I do.
Hello, Frederick, my old friend.
I've come to throw you into spears again.
We will make it to the middle.
Where we'll talk about it.
Magenta and Bernard.
Uh.
It did.
Yeah, well, it was Bernard.
It was Bernard.
Yeah, it slipped.
It should have been Bernard.
But we're here in the middle,
and I almost made it to the end of another one.
Wanna say thank you so much for being here with us.
If folks haven't checked you out yet.
They're crazy.
They're fools.
They are crazy.
Subscribe to the newsletter,
get my recommendations for the podcast in the past,
and listen to it.
What are you doing with your life?
That's right.
It was really aggressive.
I like this.
I like the level of aggression.
Yes.
Recommendations that sound like threats.
Yes, yes.
We'd like to come in hot with our recommendations.
Do it, or don't bother coming back here.
Oh, please come back.
No, I'm just kidding.
Yeah, please come back.
Please come back, but also just please check it out.
I don't mean to come off so pushy.
No, I liked it.
But then we have to apologize about it.
I bet some listeners would enjoy it as well.
Oh, yes.
Some people are very, very interested in that.
Tell me to listen to our podcast.
Go on, yes.
Tell me off.
Yes.
I feel like we've gotten ourselves
into a role play now that we were.
No, it's good.
It's lovely.
Yeah, if you could remind our listeners,
if they have not acted so far,
as to where they can find you.
Well, out now is our new series, Magenta Presents,
the horror anthology in which Magenta presents.
Horror?
Horror, yes.
In an anthology sort of format.
Yes, the clue's in the name.
And then we're also going to be
in the third series of Mockery Manor,
which is a full cast audio drama set in a theme park.
And you can also check out our existing series,
which is Madam Magenta's Sonos Mystica,
in which Magenta reads from her books,
tells stories about her adventures,
and we also solve real problems sent in by the listeners
using the powers of the mystic arts.
Gosh, so good.
That was very fluid.
That was.
It almost went into sort of radio voice there.
Did you hear me there?
I started sort of going in now.
Coming up after the break,
we will be joining Magenta as she solves
real listeners problems through the magic arts.
I almost fell over at the end there.
It was going well.
I mean, as a bunch of former radio people,
it was fantastic.
As someone who listens to the radio much sometimes,
I thought that sounded really good.
Did you enjoy it, dear?
Yes, yes.
Well done.
Yes, I already said so.
That's high praise.
Oh God, always looking for approval.
That's high praise from Magenta.
Yes, I know.
He's very needy, isn't he?
You know, I mean, over the course of the three seasons
of Madam Magenta, like,
Berner, you're really just,
you've come out with your confidence
from the beginning to this point.
Yeah, too flippant.
Absolutely.
It's very nice of you to say that.
No, it's good.
He's been on a growth arc.
I have.
Yes.
I'm in my third act now.
Third act, which is the Yeaver journey.
You can take that back to your shows now
and just bring that energy every single time.
Live with that confidence in you.
Yes, it was an outward manifestation
of your inner sort of thrusting masculinity.
That's right, yes.
I enjoy being Yeaver.
He's a strong and sensitive type.
Love it.
Thank you so much for being here with us.
Go check them out everywhere you can get podcasts.
And now we'll get you back to the episode
and figure out what's going on in this cave.
Who knows?
We don't know.
Thank you so much.
Have a great week.
Bye.
Goodbye.
Bye.
How many of those spears do you think are still in there?
I mean, that had to be most of them, right?
I would think so.
Any of these spears worth, any of them quite fancy?
Shall we take a few?
I mean, we could,
could we always do with a few more spears?
I take your tacit,
I take that as tacit agreement.
We could always do with a few more spears.
Always.
All right.
Yeah, surely we've set off.
I mean, they'd have to reset.
They couldn't be resetting those one by one.
That would be insane.
So I'm gonna go in.
I'm assuming safe.
Gosh.
I will too, but I'm definitely gonna be stealthy about it.
Get real stealth when it's just going in.
Yeah, but you know, I'll be quiet.
I don't weigh 2000 pounds, so I can be pretty quiet.
I'm gonna hang back, see what happens.
Yeah, Yeever and Guerrera hang back
and everybody else proceeds forward into
and as you enter the space
and move to the center of the space,
it appears that everything is fine for you.
To the point where you believe
that at least to this point in the room,
there are no more spears.
Turn around and give a quiet thumbs up.
Yeah, big thumbs up, but still quiet.
Should we try and get them to say something loudly
just to really test this?
Before we go in, shall we?
Yes.
We've got a good plan.
Go on, yes.
What should we say?
What should we say to them?
I don't know.
Or could they shout very loudly?
What's gonna make them go, ugh?
Should we just chuck something at them?
Well, if we chucked most of the things that we have,
I haven't got any more goblin parts left.
We've got a 40-foot rope.
How about we whip them with it?
We could do, whoosh, yes.
Or you could sing a very loud song.
I think they're wondering why we're whispering
to each other.
Is this looking suspicious?
Let's just follow them up for now.
All right, all right.
We're coming in, we're coming in.
Yes, we are sure that it is safe.
The way is clear.
Very tentatively, they walk into the room behind you.
So you have the altar,
which there isn't anything substantial,
other than some religious carvings and artifacts.
Actually, that said, there are artifacts over there,
which could be viewed.
And then the door, which now has the two creatures
skewered with spears onto the wall,
and the goblin, his name was Frederick,
in the middle of the spear ball, which is all.
The story just gets sad.
Rest well, Frederick.
This is worse when you know his name.
I know.
And the spear ball, which is kind of great.
He left two children and a wife behind.
We will see that they are compensated for his sacrifice.
So that was the sacrifice.
Well, you'd hope so, wouldn't you?
There was more sacrifice.
Oh no, we're not supposed to tell them about that.
Anybody want to go check the altar,
or are we proceeding towards the door?
I want to see the artifacts.
Okay, you go over and view.
There are two artifacts laid out.
Roll a d4, please, first.
That's a d20.
I was putting it back.
In a rolling motion.
By rolling it, as I always do.
I'm gonna try some of my other dice.
My metal ones have been sad.
There's a three.
I don't know if that's a good thing.
You find a quill and ink.
Oh, well, they find their way into my pocket.
All right.
I'm gonna gift them to moot at some point
during our next Christmas thing.
There is a commemorative plaque beside it.
Oh, thank God.
It says a certificate of authenticity.
Write a question, get an answer.
Glim, I assume you would go over and look.
You can roll a d4 as well.
Okay.
One.
You see a dagger,
and the commemorative plaque beside it
says invisible punching dagger.
Cool.
The dagger that punches,
what a little fist comes out of it.
So you draw the dagger,
and you brandish it at your enemy,
and then a big comedy boxing glove
on a spring comes out and goes bosh.
The Monty Python foot.
Very useful.
Or you've got a dagger in one hand,
and then you just punch him with the other.
Misdirection.
Ooh.
You just go, ooh, look, look,
shiny, shiny thing, shiny thing,
woo, bof.
As you pick it up,
it has like a handhold on it,
and when you put your hand through it,
the dagger itself becomes invisible.
Cool.
Sneaky.
Hope it's not cursed.
Only one way to find out.
I know, as soon as you said dagger,
I was like, what's it look like?
I know, me too.
Yeever and Guerrera,
sorry Moot, I only have four items here.
You see two other things.
So there's a wreath that you see,
the commemorative plaque that says wreath of crow speak,
as well as a key that is formed from bone,
and it is a skeleton key.
Right, well, always wanted to speak crow, I suppose.
Yes, why not, yes.
Or maybe the wreath just speaks crow,
and you know, so it just calls it to you.
Wreath of crow.
Anyway, I'm sure we'll figure it out.
Well, let's pick it up, shall we?
Yes, yes, all right.
I shall present the wreath of crow
to my darling Guerrera.
Thanks very much.
There you go.
Cheers.
A gift has been made.
It's that anniversary where you get a wreath
that speaks crow.
10 years it is crow, crow wreath.
Traditionally.
And then, and I will pick up the key
and secrete it about my person.
You're only wearing like a leather G string.
I said about my person.
I gave not details.
I'm gonna take out,
because I obviously read the thing
after I put it in my bag.
I want to take it out
and take a spare piece of parchment
and just write,
where's the treasure?
Ah, yes, that is an efficient use of that prop.
Uh, it, uh, letters below it begin to form
and it says in the treasury.
And then I write,
where the fuck is the treasury?
Through the door.
Should we ask it something a bit more philosophical?
Why are we here?
That sort of thing.
What is the meaning of life?
Yes.
What does it say?
There's a dot, dot, dot.
And then it does like the.
Oh God.
Yeah, then it does like the thinking face emoji.
There's a dot, dot, dot.
A little buffering circle comes up.
Yep, and it just hangs there.
Oh, we broke it.
Turn it off and on again.
Just gonna put this in my packet.
All right, through the door.
Can I look,
because is there a key hole on the door?
Does it look like it would take
a skeleton key? Does it look like the key
that you found in the root cellar would fit?
Not the one that Eva has shoved.
That one would also, looks like it would fit.
That one's gone, I'm afraid.
Oh.
He's gonna need an enema to get that one back.
That one will come out in several hours.
How long do we have?
We've had some experience with that
in the past with this group, so.
I see.
Yeah.
If I rummage, I am a keen rummager
as we have established earlier on.
So I could rummage that one out for you.
Let's use the other one.
Shall we?
I am going,
Sully, can you like, I don't know.
Yeah, I do.
Do this or check to see if it's okay.
You're kind of better.
We're great with the first one, so, of course.
You're better with door traps.
No worries.
So I go up to the big door where the stuff
and I tiptoe my way through the wreckage.
And what am I doing?
Investigation.
A 13.
Yeah, you look it over, top to bottom,
look for all the usual,
like pinpricks and gas and any more spears.
Everything looks fine.
It looks fine.
Well, you've never led me wrong before.
So I put the key in and turn it.
Turns with a loud.
Door goes.
Well, that would have, that would have set off
any more spears that were left.
One final spear back near the altar, finally.
Let's go.
Right into Frederick.
Yeah, yeah.
It's what he would have wanted.
He was alive up until that point as well.
The gift that keeps on giving.
Opens into another dark tunnel
that you can proceed forward to.
Doesn't appear to be any other obstructions.
A moot, do you wanna like light the way?
Oh yeah, gladly, of course.
Moot proceeds forward and everybody walks behind
and moot. Wait.
Where's the glowy ball?
It's following you.
Oh, okay.
It's like in the front of your group.
Whichever way you go, it moves to the front.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Moot proceeds forward following this ball
and moot, you are first to round the bend
into a more open chamber.
Before you kind of round this bend,
you hear the same movement that you heard
when you were bat now.
Sure.
And you turn the corner, light entering into this
and open up in this chamber.
You see the same walkway and all of the walls moving
with these monkey creatures.
Oh.
God damn it, not these guys again.
They like the walls, don't they?
What's on the walls?
Peanut butter, probably.
So just to clarify, Russ,
we like just have found the bottom entrance
so we don't need to come down the broken ladder.
We're in that same thing?
Yeah, we took the long way.
Yeah.
In a less efficient way.
I mean.
Should have just used the goblin.
Should have just used the
I was all about the goblin guts, but no.
I apologize.
You two were right.
I'm sorry, you were definitely right.
Well, there we go, too late now, isn't it?
So I guess we see like a land bridge, you said?
Yes, yeah, yeah.
It looks pretty worn down to time.
You can proceed across it,
is the only way to get across this cavernous space.
On the other side, there is a platform
and then several other smaller platforms to leap across
to where you can see a,
what Moot couldn't quite see from where he was
because he was too focused
on getting out of there at that point,
is a bridge that extends across a final expanse
and a glowing light coming from the other side.
Rope bridges?
That's what it says, rope bridge.
Two rope bridges.
No, one rope bridge.
There's a land bridge.
Like a stony, like made from the earth kind of bridge,
but then a secondary rope bridge that you have to get to.
So what are the bridges crossing?
Is there a big dark chasm?
Oh yeah, it's a big dark chasm.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I see.
So it's not water.
Not water.
Yeah.
Should we go on the earth one?
I reckon the earth one sounds better.
Do you think the earth one is better?
I think, yeah, it's one after the other.
No, it's one after the other, right.
It's not a choice.
Okay.
All right, so let's cross the land bridge.
Did you all use your careful feet?
Just being careful.
Everybody roll stealth or athletics.
Well, I have advantage on stealth rolls,
so I'm gonna roll that one.
I'm going to roll the shit out of athletics.
I am a plus seven.
Oh, it's not that good.
It's a 12.
14 for me as well.
It's a 12.
14 for me as well.
12.
Oh, obviously all 12s and 14s, that's okay.
Love it.
You proceed across, I presume single file one by one,
using your stealthiest and or most athletic feet,
nimble feet, gymnastics feet to get across.
As you're going, the ground.
Do we keep like pushing into each other?
Is that why we're all exactly the same?
Exactly.
Go faster.
Hit on the heels of the next person?
The ground beneath you like vibrates
as you are now all on top of this bridge.
You hear crumbling, pebbles falling,
like trickling down.
You, you know, against best thoughts,
look down and just see an empty black void below you.
Oh God.
You do all manage to make it to the other side
when the final step, whoever's in the rear,
steps off and you feel the bridge give way behind you.
I've got a good feeling about the rope bridge.
I think this one will go very well.
Maybe we shouldn't all go at the same time
like we just did.
That was a real weird strategy we just chose.
No, I think we just all run across all at once.
The speed method.
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Like linking arms, we link arms
and we just bloody go for it.
So we're like grapevine in it?
It's a very wide bridge, I think, isn't it?
Is it a super wide bridge?
Super wide.
Five of us go at once.
You can go in line, that's super wide.
Like a chorus line just moving forward.
I expect high kick.
Like the yellow brick road situation.
Let's just.
Gosh.
The bridge before you.
As the land bridge gives way,
some of these monkey creatures kind of swoop down
and in its space and then move back up to the walls.
You have been stealthily to this point.
I am presuming you're whispering as much as you can.
You proceed across the rope bridge.
The straining of the rope as you proceed,
all five of you, all at the same time.
Arms linked.
Holding on on either side.
We're off to see the wizard, et cetera, et cetera.
You see, before you get across,
you see there's another tunnel up and ahead.
You see that there are more shelves
off into the side before this tunnel,
but also like this glowing golden aura
coming from beyond the tunnel.
Everybody make a stealth check.
Yellow brick road, everybody.
Everybody make a stealth check.
I mean, there's flying monkeys.
We're basically in the Wizard of Oz, aren't we?
Yes, yes.
Oh my god.
A stealth check.
Oh, a nat 20.
17.
12.
No, sorry.
Which one am I?
14.
Nine. 14.
14, okay, sorry, glim stealth.
That was a natural one.
Okay.
I got a two.
Oh, goodness me.
One man ban.
We shall avenge.
I get too inspired.
I start singing maybe or something.
Love it.
So yeah, the sound of Bahamut's song
comes to your heart.
What would a Bahamut hymn sound like?
The one from Shrek that goes
to the best days of our lives.
Oh.
That's right.
That's exactly it.
Yeah.
You begin singing that and everybody hears movement
on the walls and some of these monkey creatures
charge down towards you.
How many of them will be determined by this roll
that I didn't roll well?
Just three of them.
Okay.
Puny.
However, you are on difficult terrain
being a stretchy bendy rope bridge.
We'll use initiative first.
Glim, you were singing, but Yever is up first.
Yever, you hear them and see them charging
towards your new friend Glim,
who had a song in their heart,
which you're well known that people get song
in their hearts because you've traveled
with Greer for a long time.
Absolutely.
Recognize the danger and are first to act.
You may attack or do whatever you'd like to do.
Join in, join in song as well.
So am I to roll initiative first?
We will just use the initiative that we had previously.
All right.
So you can choose your attack,
great acts or I think you've got a vicious maul
or anything else that you have there, yeah.
Vicious maul, throw the vicious maul.
I will throw.
I'm gonna get that checked out.
I will, I draw out from my pocket
the most vicious maul you have ever seen.
Oh, and they can see in the dark.
They can see in the dark, so exactly.
So yeah, absolute snarling rabid
and I throw that maul into the heart of the monkeys.
Fantastic.
Make an attack roll for this vicious maul.
Yeah, there you go, Steve.
Show them who's boss.
Yeah, you tell them.
Where's the attack roll?
Is that, oh, I see on the vicious maul.
He's a 10 pound maul, that's what it says.
That's a heavy maul.
Here we go, vicious maul, gosh.
And he's got a five foot reach, 22.
Hell yes.
Wow, Steve is impressive.
I did say he was vicious.
Wanna roll some damage for Steve
as he's flying through the air?
Is he also like, could he be doing martial arts
of some kind, because somehow he's gotta use one of them
to propel himself back to you,
because we need more of Steve in our life.
Oh, he's got it all.
He's got it made.
12.
12 damage?
A valiant effort from Steve.
Love it. 12 damage.
Steve flies through the air.
And as one of these creatures is just about a glim,
catches it just at the last moment
and goes like over the edge.
You lose sight of him for a moment.
You hear them battling.
The other two creatures fly down
and then you see him laddering back up,
destroying each of these creatures along the way
and leaps back to you,
covered in this monkey creature gut.
Gives you the thumbs up and crawls back into your pocket.
Oh, he's magnificent.
We should have just chucked him down the hole
with the ladder in the first place.
Yeah, I didn't know you had a creature in your pocket.
It's amazing.
Well, you know.
Or is he supposed to see you?
Blah, blah, blah, yes.
It was the joke we were all thinking.
We cut ahead to the other side of the bridge.
And you are at the entrance to this final tunnel.
There are, like I said, more shelves.
They do have more wine on them before you enter.
And you walk down this tunnel
and there are mounds of gold
and artifacts and chests.
But what you see before that,
or even as you see that,
is movement of red dragon scale
of a gargantuan size
that turns its head and looks towards you.
I think he's friendly.
Try talking to him.
He should be honored.
We chose his Jornot, right?
I mean- That's true.
Yes, we did, didn't we?
We had faith.
This friendly friend.
You're so pretty.
Hello, friend.
Who are you?
Bellows out in this waft of hot breath.
Washes over you.
Your clothes blow back in the wind.
Okay, so I'm Glim.
These are my friends.
We have a destiny to save the world.
Maybe you know, like my,
I would consider him a friend, Bahamut.
Shrugs.
Bahamut doesn't care about chromatic dragons.
Tiamat is who I am devoted to.
Oh yeah, Tiamat's pretty cool too.
Is he on a big pile of treasure?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
Ah, so this is probably what we've come for.
I hear Bahamut and Tiamat have a thing going on.
Who told you?
What, like an agreement?
What, like a romantic thing?
No, like, they're related, but also a romantic thing.
And I'm not gonna say that isn't weird,
but every religion kinda has some weird stuff going on
in the background.
Why the gods and everything?
So it's like, does that-
And it's, they don't operate the same as us.
No, it's weird, it's weird.
So what do we do then?
So are we, what do we, yeah.
Are you, are you Prince?
Because the monks all-
Oh, oh, yes.
Seem to worship-
They're like all dead though.
Prince and-
I am, I am Prince.
Yes, I take the form of whichever doorknob is turned.
And it appears that you have turned me
into something that could gobble you up in mere seconds.
Oh, I wish someone had said something
before we did that.
Yeah, if only, hey?
You hear an echo from the chamber?
I wasn't there.
Go home.
You're not a part of this.
The horses are almost out of gas.
Hurry up.
I can't imagine Prince would want to hurt us.
Not if we, you know, maybe, shall I, shall I sing?
I mean, you know, it-
Does everyone want me to sing?
Yes.
You're speaking his language, aren't you?
Yes.
I think so.
Absolutely.
I don't know if I know any Prince songs,
apart from the What About a Dove?
Yes, Purple Rain, Wind Doves Cry.
Yes.
Shall I, shall I sing one of those?
Yes, go on.
All right.
Oh, do you want to play,
well, I'll play the lute as well.
Yes.
Should I roll something
so we know how fabulous it is?
Yeah, you can roll performance and then,
and then, and then give us a taste of the performance.
All right.
25.
This is better than Prince himself, quite frankly.
This is like when George Michael
did Freddie Mercury's song in Live Aid.
Just as good, basically.
So this is, so I'm basically Prince.
Okay.
Actually, I'm going to mouth it
and Eva's going to sing it.
Oh, okay.
Perfect, perfect.
Yeah, yeah.
Because he's actually the power behind this room.
The music starts up and Prince before you
is settling in, listening to your song,
you're offering to him.
Maybe I'm just like my mother
She's never satisfied
Something about a Barbara
This is what it sounds like
When barbarians cry
Bop, bop, bop, bop
Can't touch this
Bop, bop, bop, bop
Wow.
Wow, that was a wipe a tear away.
It's moving.
Very, very touching.
That is pretty amazing, isn't it?
There's a long moment
and then the dragon before you
that you now know as Prince rears up
and starts clapping
Wow.
Which echoes out and you hear movement
and scattering beyond in the chamber behind you
and he says, just to close the door.
Close the door.
And you turn and you look and there is a big rolling
like barn door that you are able to close.
And if you do so.
That was stylish.
And you do and you see coming down the tunnel behind you
is like just a swarm of these monkey creatures.
You close it at the last moment.
One kind of pokes its head through
and it's trying to pull back.
But then, I mean.
So it punches it in the face.
That's right. Punch it in the face.
And then it shoots back out, much like Jurassic Park.
And when the velociraptor pokes its head in there
and sucker punch it, closes it.
And then all of these creatures slam against the door
behind you.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have clapped so loud.
We're supposed to be very quiet down here.
I haven't heard such beautiful music.
Not in years since we've been hiding down here.
Why is he hiding?
Why are you hiding?
You're like a big, strong, powerful dragon.
Only when you turn the door knob.
Oh, what are you when we don't turn the door knob?
I'm, I'm.
Great question.
I'm a man.
I come in many forms though.
I am prince.
Is this the Wizard of Oz?
Why don't you turn your own knob
and then you can just be a big dragon all the time?
That's a good question.
When you join the order,
there are certain things that you're not supposed to do.
Yeah, but I mean, when you're locked down here
for so long.
There's strict rules.
Can't touch knobs anymore.
Oh, so there's a no turning your own knob rule.
No turning your own knob rule in the voiceless order.
Gotcha.
Voiceless and unsatisfied.
Hire someone else to turn your knob.
Yeah. There we go.
There gotta be some work around.
Well, as you can see, everybody has died.
They drank themselves into a stupor
and then we were attacked by the screaming monkeys.
Could you not train one of the more affable monkeys
to turn your own knob?
I have not attempted to do so.
That is very sharp teeth.
Very sharp teeth.
The training on that seems very dangerous.
I had assumed that the monkeys were your servants,
but are the monkeys not actually...
Did you not want, is this an infestation?
No, we've been down here since the age of storms.
We hid ourselves away
and the knowledge that we possess away.
And then these creatures found their way up from the depths
and infested and destroyed all of my followers.
Oh, that sucks.
Well, now you're a dragon.
You can just get rid of them, can't you?
Touche, I could do that.
In fact, open the door and we will do that right now.
Right.
Just blast them.
A good old blast of extermination.
Kind of clears his throat and then coughs
and flames shoot out.
He's like, all right, I'm ready whenever you are.
Slide that beautiful barn door open.
The group of you roll the barn door back,
which you see on the other side,
these creatures fluttering around.
And as they begin to enter,
a blast of flame shoots out and down.
And you hear the scream,
everybody make a constitution saving throw.
Oh dear.
So all my dice are broken.
I'm not sure.
Dirty 20.
14, nat 20.
25.
Nice.
25 for me.
21.
Okay, everybody's good.
The echoes out, it hurts your ears,
but nobody is stunned because of it.
The flames die down and there's just
littered with the bodies of these creatures.
Nobody has ever turned the dragon knob before.
This is not an option that I had previously.
It seems they could have been scared
of facing a dragon beyond the door.
Well, you're welcome.
You are very welcome.
I mean, it makes sense.
Do you not think that maybe that
merits some sort of monetary reward?
Oh yeah, like a price.
Oh, well, you did come down.
You did come down.
You did save me, whether known or not.
Unfortunately, it was a little too late
for everybody else down here,
but that's neither here nor there.
Hey, what's this glowy ball?
It is a floating, glowing ball.
It allows you to see in the dark.
It's magical, is it not?
Oh yeah.
Yes, it is one of my prized possessions.
I was sort of hoping it might do something else.
What did you have in mind?
Well, I don't know.
Literally anything.
I mean, you know, light fittings would have sufficed,
but no, no, no, it's good.
I love the ball.
I mean, we found it at the end too.
We didn't really need it,
it probably would have been a lot better if we located it.
No, I feel like I'm pouring scorn on the ball.
Shall we get back to the recompense?
I feel like you've come from a different time,
a different era when magic is,
where magic is more commonplace.
And a glowing ball when, in my time,
would have been something that everybody
would have traveled around to see is now-
That's true, yes.
It seems pretty commonplace in this place as well.
I don't know.
Magic and bloody everywhere.
It's been schooled.
Yes, that's fair.
Apologies.
Shall we get back to the recompense?
The monetary gain.
Yes, well, you came down searching for treasure,
I presume.
I mean, what's it to you?
Well, I could bestow you certain treasures,
if that is what you desire.
Everybody roll a d10, please.
What's that?
Where is it?
Go down to the little chap in the corner there
and look for the 10,
the one that looks like a spinning top.
Yeah, third from the top.
Ah, there we go.
D.
Four.
10.
Did I just do it?
Oh dear.
A two for me.
Three.
Is that, no, that's not it.
Click, click, roll.
Oh no, I just did it twice.
No, click.
Did you click roll?
It's got two on it now, so.
Oh, it's got three on it now, what have I done?
Just click roll.
Oh, you've rolled three of them.
I've rolled three.
What's your number?
Slide by 10.
12.
I love it.
Incredible.
Green Ray is very magical.
Very magical.
Well, I mean, have a look around.
There are artifacts, there are chests.
Careful, some of the chests are in fact mimics.
Oh, bad.
I don't remember which ones.
I think you'll maybe make a note of that.
That might be useful.
Again, to test them, you have to open.
But, yes.
He scoops up a large pile of gold
and drops it at your feet.
It's been a while since I've kind of eyeballed that much,
but it seems like it could be 3,100 gold.
Great.
Wow, that's a lot.
Sounds good, I don't quite know the local conversion.
Yeah, what can you get for that?
Oh, like.
You could buy a medium sized village.
Oh, well that's pretty good.
Yeah.
Nice.
Well, I'm happy with that.
I think that's probably fair.
A fair fee.
Anyone else, any opinion?
No, just, you know, the.
We haven't agreed the split.
When we're on the topic of recompense, you know,
just like.
Feed them to the dragon, Yever!
And run!
Are we really going, we've been through so much,
I feel like we've bonded.
I got you, I was like, bye.
Let's change the plan.
Are we sticking with plan A?
No, we're not.
No, no, okay, fine.
No, no sacrifices today.
Were you gonna convince the dragon to eat us?
Was I to eat them?
Were you gonna eat us?
Well, no, no, no, that was a hilarious joke.
Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, ha ha ha ha.
Yeah.
That's so reassuring.
That's so funny.
They're telling off their partners.
Yeah.
You'll get to know my sense of humor
if you survive long enough.
Anyway, so a split, we should agree on a split.
Well, I came up with the intestinal idea,
so I think that's worth quite a lot.
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
We did agree to reduce our share by 10%.
So you actually owe us money now, I'm afraid.
So once you take 10% off,
I'm afraid you're in debt, you know.
Oh God, we were only gonna get 5% of this.
We owe you.
Yes, you owe us now.
We were gonna split five.
Oh wow.
I mean, nice to still have a job though, right?
Yeah, I mean, it was.
Very important to read the fine print.
This can go on your CV.
You've got the experience now.
Your curriculum.
Think of the exposure.
Yeah.
Before you, the dragon quickly turns into a tiger.
And then.
Hey, did you?
Someone's turned into a nob because I thought.
Quickly turns into an orc.
And then a goblin.
Oh my God.
Someone's fiddling with the nobs.
It's.
It's Hillop.
We need to get out of here.
Hillop.
Yeah?
Stop it.
Stop turning the nobs.
Okay.
We're coming.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
You're coming.
Don't worry.
I'm idling.
I'm getting strange looks from passerbys.
It's fine.
Do you, is there a certain like, figure you wanna be?
We could tell him to just turn like, whatever now.
Oh yeah.
Ooh, is one of them prints?
No, unfortunately.
The regular old one
that's all rusty and stuff?
Yes, yes, please.
Have him turn that one.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
No one has ever turned that one.
Hillop, the rusty one.
Hit the rusty one.
This is the one that looks like a regular nob?
Okay.
Turns it.
And then the figure before you disappears.
Oh great.
Turned into a nob.
And then echoing on the wind,
you just hear, thank you.
Oh.
Oh, that's sad.
Oh, he was trapped down here.
He was trapped here.
We released his soul.
Oh god.
And all he needed was a small fiddle of the nob.
So he didn't wanna go outside of the cave system,
he just wanted to die.
Is that right?
I have a feeling he's been here a while.
Maybe could.
This is just a catalog of tragedies.
It is very sad.
But also he left all this treasure.
So now.
Oh that's true.
He left all the treasure.
So it's a happy ending.
Happy ending.
I think so.
Yeah.
We fade out on all of you piling your pockets
full of as much gold and artifact as you can.
And Moot is going bat and in and bat and in.
He's taking so much gold outside.
So much gold.
Genius plan.
Looking forward to carrying all this gold
over that rope bridge.
We cut to after hours and hours of work.
We cut to outside where Hillop is seated at the carriage.
Everybody's piled in the back.
And then there's a much larger carriage
that's just mounted with gold and artifacts on the back.
Wheeling its way down the winding road
back to the city that which you came.
Well, a day well spent.
All in a day's work.
Are you trying to do a sort of philosophy
to wrap this up?
I'm trying to do a sort of what have we learned.
Cherries bring a sort of end message thing.
What do you think we've learned everyone?
Gobling guts are good for more than just one thing.
Yeah.
Well, I don't know.
We didn't actually use them for anything in the end.
No, we did.
Oh, we did, we did.
Tied it all together.
Oh, God, if it wasn't for Frederick's guts,
he wouldn't even be here.
It was a whole thing.
We should find his family
and really give him some of this gold.
I think probably that would be, yeah,
he should probably get a small split, you know.
Let's do that.
Dumbgeons and Dragons, season two, episode 146,
starring Amy More as Sully, Carla Maxdad as Glim,
Tom Laird as Moot, with Russ More as your dungeon master,
and special guests, Lindsay Sharman as Madame Magenta
playing Guerrera, and Lawrence Owen as Bernard
playing Yeever.
Dialogue editing by Carla Maxdad
and sound design by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound,
Artlist, and Kavin MacLeod,
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound,
Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers,
Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyok,
Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden, Christian Brown,
Craig Zeiss, Perry Matey, Kayla Littlejohn,
L.A. Branton, CosmicOctopus, Ong-Garon Kierzen,
Nathaniel Teeter, OldSchoolGamerD, Destiny Garcia,
Jordan Anderson, and Louis Hayes.
Join us today at Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast,
where this month we're holding our first live show
of the year on March 28th,
7 p.m. Pacific, 10 p.m. Eastern,
and all patrons get in.
Join us today, Patreon.com slash dumbdragoncast.
That's it for now.
Have a great week.
We'll talk to you soon.
Dumbgeons & Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.